Got this sent to me and I got a good laugh out of it. Quite funny!
<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"><font color=#ff0000>HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel
uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to en sure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert pote n tial Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot.. An Uncle Ted ma kes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.</font></span>
<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma"><font color=#ff0000>HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel
uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to en sure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert pote n tial Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot.. An Uncle Ted ma kes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.</font></span>
