Malietha Lavode
Member
<span style="font-size: 13px;"><p>I'd like a favor from a few of you.
For those of you who dont feel like reading through a lengthy, emo ass post and my feeble attempts to communicate . . . well, something, please feel free to skip to the last paragraph which contains my request and ignore the entirety of the body here. </p><p>Seriously.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, yeah. </p><p>About this post. It's kinda gonna be all over the place. I feel a need to say some things, and I'm not really sure what, or why, but its gonna be coming out, in whatever random order I manage to think about it.</p><p>First off, this post isnt about garnering sympathy or pity, so keep any of that lame shit to yourself.</p><p>I'm not the type who needs comforting when things suck ass. I dont need to "feel connected" or "cared about" or that there's someone "there for me" or whatever. I get through, in my own crude way, without help. But, occasionally, I feel the need to let some of the shit stew thats simmering inside my thick skull out. </p><p>Sorry for cutting it loose on this forum, but hey, I told you that you could skip to the end, blame only yourself if you're reading this.</p><p> </p><p>Start with last week, shall we? It was a bad one for me, despite getting a new, higher paying job.</p><p>As many of you can imagine, from my posts and actions in-game (which, by the way, almost the whole time I was on my absolute best behavior) that I'm somewhat abrasive. I've never cared what others think. My time in the military only intensified that aspect of my personality. Very few people have thick enough skin to tolerate my presence long enough to become buddies. Fewer still can stand me long enough to actually become friends.</p><p>I've got maybe a dozen buddies I hang out with. Of those, five I consider friends. Kinda pathetic for a 30 year old. Lets just say personal relationships are not my forte and let that be.</p><p>So, back to last week and it sucking.</p><p>Two of the guys I actually consider friends died last week (guess that brings the total down to 3, huh?). This doesnt come as a shock. It wasnt sudden or anything. One died of cancer. He'd been dying for like 3 months, so we've had time to adjust. Well, I have, anyway. His family isnt.</p><p>You might think that the friends of a person like me would probably be as fucked up as I am, right? Right. For the most part, anyway. Chris was touchy-feely love everyone hippy ass bastard. Liked most people, no matter what they were like. Guess I should be thankful for that, huh? Anyway, he had a decent life. Wife, 2.5 kids, dog, the whole American Dream spiel. Well, except for that whole dying at middle age bit. My point is that he was truly happy for most of his life, something some of us never achieve.</p><p>But anyway, this isnt about him. Or, believe it or not, even about me. It's about my other friend who died this weekend. </p><p>Yeah, it took me this far to figure out where I was going with this post. Piss off if you dont like it. I'm slow some days, ok?</p><p>J.J. was the complete opposite of Chris. He was an asshole, hated everyone and everything (almost). See, J.J. died like 8 years ago. His body just didnt give up walking about and pretending till the other day. You hear about the hard luck cases every day. This guy was one of them. Parents died when he was a kid, abusive foster homes, yadda yadda. Point is, his life blew ass till he met his wife. Felt like I'd done something good there, since I had introduced the two of them. She was a friend of mine too, ex-girlfriend who parted with me as good friends. Couldnt stand their kid, but hey, I hate kids. Anyway, Kay and the kid died after getting hit by a drunk driver. </p><p>Some days, life shits on a guy one too many times. He hit his limit, and nothing any of us could do would pull him back up. Downward spiral, anyone? It was kinda inevitable. See, J.J. was more like me than our more sensitive buddies. I have a couple of family members still alive though. He didnt. He had about as many friends as I do (meaning not many).</p><p>But he wasnt completely like me. I have this whole emotional detatchment thing going. Helps a hell of lot when things get rough. </p><p>He became an alky almost immediately. After a couple of years it wasnt enough to get him through the day. He became a smackhead. Said it stopped hurting when he was high. Yes, my friend was a junkie, and fuck you if you hold it against him. At least I can say he didnt steal or anything to support his habit. He worked odd jobs after he became to erratic to hold down a steady gig. He never did the typical junkie shit where they start stealing from those around them to get their fixes.</p><p>So, yeah. He OD'd the other day. </p><p>I knew this was coming, so like Chris, it wasnt a surprise. Tell the truth, I'm kinda glad. Yes, I did just say that, and frankly, I could care less what you think about me for it. He's been suffering for years, and now he isnt. If that logic doesnt work for you, well, I couldnt give a shit.</p><p>I think Chris dying was the trigger. By this point in time J.J. pretty much only had me and him, and I'm not an emotionally supportive type friend. My response is usually along the lines of "Stop being a bitch and suck it up". </p><p>Not to say I'm not a good friend. I've done some fucked up things to help friends who needed it. Never thought twice about them, or any consequences that might arise. Done a few decent things to help out, too. Need money? I'd give everything I have for my friends. Need me there, physically, for something? Missed work on more than one occasion to help out. Job < Friend. I dont have enough of them to let anything happen to the ones I have left.</p><p>Meh. Maybe I am a shitty friend. I remember at Kay and kid's funeral, after everyone else left, me and him were standing there and I told him "Hey man, just remember. . . If you ever need to talk about this. . . feel free to wake Chris up at any time of the night." It actually got a smile out him. But hey, he knew what I was like, and he didnt hold it against me.</p><p>Guess if I was different maybe J.J. wouldnt have ended up the way he did. I'm sure someone will point out that I should have gotten him into rehab or something. I tried, once. He used logic against me. Would rehab bring back his family? Would it make life worth living again?</p><p>I had to say no. It wouldnt.</p><p>Is that an excuse for having failed him? No. But I think a man's life is his to decide. As friends, we have the responsibility to try to help. We do not, however, have the right to force.</p><p>So, back to J.J.</p><p>Despite being a logical type, the boy was religious, which I'll never understand. Frankly, the christian concept of God boggles my mind. But J. was a believer, so there ya have it. The note he had with him when I found him had a quote from boondock saints and a request.</p><p>Pray for me, please.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p></span><span style="font-size: 18px;"><p>So here is the last paragraph, and my request.</p></span><span style="font-size: 13px;"><p>My friend J.J. died this weekend, alone, penniless, and almost totally without family or friends. He was a damn good guy, and deserved better than the shitstorm that life used to drown him. If I could trade places with him, to give him back his family and some happiness, I would. But I cant.</p><p>And continuing with my epic fail as a person, I cant bring myself to honor his last request of me. I refuse to pray to a god who would fuck over someone like him so badly, especially as I dont believe in Him.</p><p>So please, if any of you are christian, do me a huge favor. Tonight, in your prayers, ask God to go easy on J.J.</p><p>Thank you.</p><p>Sean</p><p> </p><p>See you on the flip side.</p></span>
For those of you who dont feel like reading through a lengthy, emo ass post and my feeble attempts to communicate . . . well, something, please feel free to skip to the last paragraph which contains my request and ignore the entirety of the body here. </p><p>Seriously.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, yeah. </p><p>About this post. It's kinda gonna be all over the place. I feel a need to say some things, and I'm not really sure what, or why, but its gonna be coming out, in whatever random order I manage to think about it.</p><p>First off, this post isnt about garnering sympathy or pity, so keep any of that lame shit to yourself.</p><p>I'm not the type who needs comforting when things suck ass. I dont need to "feel connected" or "cared about" or that there's someone "there for me" or whatever. I get through, in my own crude way, without help. But, occasionally, I feel the need to let some of the shit stew thats simmering inside my thick skull out. </p><p>Sorry for cutting it loose on this forum, but hey, I told you that you could skip to the end, blame only yourself if you're reading this.</p><p> </p><p>Start with last week, shall we? It was a bad one for me, despite getting a new, higher paying job.</p><p>As many of you can imagine, from my posts and actions in-game (which, by the way, almost the whole time I was on my absolute best behavior) that I'm somewhat abrasive. I've never cared what others think. My time in the military only intensified that aspect of my personality. Very few people have thick enough skin to tolerate my presence long enough to become buddies. Fewer still can stand me long enough to actually become friends.</p><p>I've got maybe a dozen buddies I hang out with. Of those, five I consider friends. Kinda pathetic for a 30 year old. Lets just say personal relationships are not my forte and let that be.</p><p>So, back to last week and it sucking.</p><p>Two of the guys I actually consider friends died last week (guess that brings the total down to 3, huh?). This doesnt come as a shock. It wasnt sudden or anything. One died of cancer. He'd been dying for like 3 months, so we've had time to adjust. Well, I have, anyway. His family isnt.</p><p>You might think that the friends of a person like me would probably be as fucked up as I am, right? Right. For the most part, anyway. Chris was touchy-feely love everyone hippy ass bastard. Liked most people, no matter what they were like. Guess I should be thankful for that, huh? Anyway, he had a decent life. Wife, 2.5 kids, dog, the whole American Dream spiel. Well, except for that whole dying at middle age bit. My point is that he was truly happy for most of his life, something some of us never achieve.</p><p>But anyway, this isnt about him. Or, believe it or not, even about me. It's about my other friend who died this weekend. </p><p>Yeah, it took me this far to figure out where I was going with this post. Piss off if you dont like it. I'm slow some days, ok?</p><p>J.J. was the complete opposite of Chris. He was an asshole, hated everyone and everything (almost). See, J.J. died like 8 years ago. His body just didnt give up walking about and pretending till the other day. You hear about the hard luck cases every day. This guy was one of them. Parents died when he was a kid, abusive foster homes, yadda yadda. Point is, his life blew ass till he met his wife. Felt like I'd done something good there, since I had introduced the two of them. She was a friend of mine too, ex-girlfriend who parted with me as good friends. Couldnt stand their kid, but hey, I hate kids. Anyway, Kay and the kid died after getting hit by a drunk driver. </p><p>Some days, life shits on a guy one too many times. He hit his limit, and nothing any of us could do would pull him back up. Downward spiral, anyone? It was kinda inevitable. See, J.J. was more like me than our more sensitive buddies. I have a couple of family members still alive though. He didnt. He had about as many friends as I do (meaning not many).</p><p>But he wasnt completely like me. I have this whole emotional detatchment thing going. Helps a hell of lot when things get rough. </p><p>He became an alky almost immediately. After a couple of years it wasnt enough to get him through the day. He became a smackhead. Said it stopped hurting when he was high. Yes, my friend was a junkie, and fuck you if you hold it against him. At least I can say he didnt steal or anything to support his habit. He worked odd jobs after he became to erratic to hold down a steady gig. He never did the typical junkie shit where they start stealing from those around them to get their fixes.</p><p>So, yeah. He OD'd the other day. </p><p>I knew this was coming, so like Chris, it wasnt a surprise. Tell the truth, I'm kinda glad. Yes, I did just say that, and frankly, I could care less what you think about me for it. He's been suffering for years, and now he isnt. If that logic doesnt work for you, well, I couldnt give a shit.</p><p>I think Chris dying was the trigger. By this point in time J.J. pretty much only had me and him, and I'm not an emotionally supportive type friend. My response is usually along the lines of "Stop being a bitch and suck it up". </p><p>Not to say I'm not a good friend. I've done some fucked up things to help friends who needed it. Never thought twice about them, or any consequences that might arise. Done a few decent things to help out, too. Need money? I'd give everything I have for my friends. Need me there, physically, for something? Missed work on more than one occasion to help out. Job < Friend. I dont have enough of them to let anything happen to the ones I have left.</p><p>Meh. Maybe I am a shitty friend. I remember at Kay and kid's funeral, after everyone else left, me and him were standing there and I told him "Hey man, just remember. . . If you ever need to talk about this. . . feel free to wake Chris up at any time of the night." It actually got a smile out him. But hey, he knew what I was like, and he didnt hold it against me.</p><p>Guess if I was different maybe J.J. wouldnt have ended up the way he did. I'm sure someone will point out that I should have gotten him into rehab or something. I tried, once. He used logic against me. Would rehab bring back his family? Would it make life worth living again?</p><p>I had to say no. It wouldnt.</p><p>Is that an excuse for having failed him? No. But I think a man's life is his to decide. As friends, we have the responsibility to try to help. We do not, however, have the right to force.</p><p>So, back to J.J.</p><p>Despite being a logical type, the boy was religious, which I'll never understand. Frankly, the christian concept of God boggles my mind. But J. was a believer, so there ya have it. The note he had with him when I found him had a quote from boondock saints and a request.</p><p>Pray for me, please.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p></span><span style="font-size: 18px;"><p>So here is the last paragraph, and my request.</p></span><span style="font-size: 13px;"><p>My friend J.J. died this weekend, alone, penniless, and almost totally without family or friends. He was a damn good guy, and deserved better than the shitstorm that life used to drown him. If I could trade places with him, to give him back his family and some happiness, I would. But I cant.</p><p>And continuing with my epic fail as a person, I cant bring myself to honor his last request of me. I refuse to pray to a god who would fuck over someone like him so badly, especially as I dont believe in Him.</p><p>So please, if any of you are christian, do me a huge favor. Tonight, in your prayers, ask God to go easy on J.J.</p><p>Thank you.</p><p>Sean</p><p> </p><p>See you on the flip side.</p></span>
