It's September 17, 2013. You're returning from your local Gamestop with your fresh new copy of GTA5. You're covered in tears. The acne-ridden ginger behind the counter just called you a "faggot" for buying a console game. The epithet, lisped through braces, still rings in your ears.
You wipe away the tears and go home, rushing straight to the basement. "HI HONEY," your mom calls down to you. "NOT NOW MOM," you shout back and slam the door. The familiar warmness of incandescent lighting and discarded pizza boxes greets you as you stumble over to your Xbox 5 console or whatever and pop in the compact disc (lol) into your inferior hardware that can only render low resolutions and like five pixels at a time.
"I'M NOT A FAGGOT," you growl through gritted teeth.
Your eyes light up as your SDTV buzzes to life with the Rockstar logo. You sink into your couch and pick up the controller, settling in for a marathon gaming session. You've been waiting for this for a while. Not as long as you've been waiting to lose your virginity (32 years), but it's still been a long time.
Finally, the opening cutscene gradually fades in with ROCKSTAR GAMES PRESENTS.
"AWESOME!" you shout, before suddenly the screen cuts to black. You have the red ring of death because you are a console gamer that plays on inferior hardware.
"That ... that gamestop employee was right," you whisper, emotionally destroyed in every conceivable way a human being can be emotionally destroyed.
The next morning you wake up and walk into oncoming traffic.
FOR EVERYONE ELSE, IT'S TIME TO PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO 5 FOR THE PC IN GLORIOUS 4K RESOLUTION. HOLY SHIT IS THIS THE FUTURE?
ALSO HOLY FUCK THIS GAME RUNS AT 60 FRAMES PER SECOND I CANT EVEN TELL WHERE THE GAME ENDS AND REAL LIFE BEGINS.
"But Tryden," you're saying to your screen, because I exist only as an entity on the internet to you. "Why are you telling me all this?"
I'M TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE TOMORROW ALL OF VINDICTIVE WILL BE ON TEAMSPEAK FUCKING MURDERING EACH OTHER IN AWESOME 32 PERSON MULTIPLAYER MATCHES, PROBABLY IN FIRST PERSON MODE, BECAUSE THE PC VERSION SUPPORTS THAT UNLIKE THE SHIT CONSOLE VERSION.
Also, just as an aside, Carly Rae Jepsen's new single is a touching ballad that really showcases her maturity as an artist:
ALRIGHT, SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED THIS GAME IS PRETTY COOL. NOW FUCKING BUY IT SO I CAN TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
http://store.steampowered.com/app/271590/
DON'T BE AN IVY, JOIN US TODAY.
You wipe away the tears and go home, rushing straight to the basement. "HI HONEY," your mom calls down to you. "NOT NOW MOM," you shout back and slam the door. The familiar warmness of incandescent lighting and discarded pizza boxes greets you as you stumble over to your Xbox 5 console or whatever and pop in the compact disc (lol) into your inferior hardware that can only render low resolutions and like five pixels at a time.
"I'M NOT A FAGGOT," you growl through gritted teeth.
Your eyes light up as your SDTV buzzes to life with the Rockstar logo. You sink into your couch and pick up the controller, settling in for a marathon gaming session. You've been waiting for this for a while. Not as long as you've been waiting to lose your virginity (32 years), but it's still been a long time.
Finally, the opening cutscene gradually fades in with ROCKSTAR GAMES PRESENTS.
"AWESOME!" you shout, before suddenly the screen cuts to black. You have the red ring of death because you are a console gamer that plays on inferior hardware.
"That ... that gamestop employee was right," you whisper, emotionally destroyed in every conceivable way a human being can be emotionally destroyed.
The next morning you wake up and walk into oncoming traffic.
FOR EVERYONE ELSE, IT'S TIME TO PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO 5 FOR THE PC IN GLORIOUS 4K RESOLUTION. HOLY SHIT IS THIS THE FUTURE?
ALSO HOLY FUCK THIS GAME RUNS AT 60 FRAMES PER SECOND I CANT EVEN TELL WHERE THE GAME ENDS AND REAL LIFE BEGINS.
"But Tryden," you're saying to your screen, because I exist only as an entity on the internet to you. "Why are you telling me all this?"
I'M TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE TOMORROW ALL OF VINDICTIVE WILL BE ON TEAMSPEAK FUCKING MURDERING EACH OTHER IN AWESOME 32 PERSON MULTIPLAYER MATCHES, PROBABLY IN FIRST PERSON MODE, BECAUSE THE PC VERSION SUPPORTS THAT UNLIKE THE SHIT CONSOLE VERSION.
Also, just as an aside, Carly Rae Jepsen's new single is a touching ballad that really showcases her maturity as an artist:
ALRIGHT, SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED THIS GAME IS PRETTY COOL. NOW FUCKING BUY IT SO I CAN TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
http://store.steampowered.com/app/271590/
DON'T BE AN IVY, JOIN US TODAY.
